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Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-07-2006
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says"This Bull mated 50 times
last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, "This Bull mated
120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."
The husband looks at her and says .... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
After nine surgeries and six years of therapy, the husband is now able to talk. It is hoped
that someday he will walk again.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
<< HOW TO HANDLE ANGER
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man
answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please
speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I
couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next
to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar
with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull
into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into
the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first
asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the
BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer parked in front.
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there
to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th St
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St.
There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
Now, I feel better.
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - r0nd3L - 01-07-2006
Damn, dude, these are seriously best ones ever. I almost crapped my pants, ohh damn, actually I did. Brb, bathroom...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - Ponch - 01-07-2006
hahah the perfect setup in #2....lmao
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-07-2006
The second one, while very well written, is at least 10 years old. I read it long ago....still funny now, though!!! Thanks for the memories...good times, good times.....
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - kevinF - 01-07-2006
LMFAO those were hillarious. the second one is the best.
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-07-2006
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-07-2006
HAHAHAHAHA thats great!
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - Racin' Ranger1 - 01-07-2006
awsome
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-07-2006
Thank you, I'm here all week, and please tip your waitress.
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - kevinF - 01-07-2006
hahahahaha thats great
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - FreeRideFrosty - 01-08-2006
Not too bad... I still like the chili contest one that was posted a while back. That one was the absolute funniest thing I have ever read...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - north_shore_racer - 01-08-2006
so this guy and a girl get married, and when they get back to their house after their honeymoon and he says "im putting this box under the bed and ur not allowed to look in it until a year to date after my death." so she agreed....time passed and she still hadnt looked into the box. one day while her husband was off at work she thoguht to herself well i guess i could just take a peek. she looked in and there were 3 empty beer bottles and a stack of cash! she was confused but figured she'd wait to ask till later. so once he gets home she confesses to him and tells him that she looked but she asked him "why exactly are there 3 beer bottles and money we couldve used over these part years in your box?" he replied "well...each beer bottle represents a time i cheated on you." she was a little shocked but then saked "whats the money for then?" he replied "well everytime i filled the box with bottle i cashed em in and put the money in the box"
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - FreeRideFrosty - 01-08-2006
Ouch! I bet his life ended shortly after...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-08-2006
north_shore_racer Wrote:so this guy and a girl get married, and when they get back to their house after their honeymoon and he says "im putting this box under the bed and ur not allowed to look in it until a year to date after my death." so she agreed....time passed and she still hadnt looked into the box. one day while her husband was off at work she thoguht to herself well i guess i could just take a peek. she looked in and there were 3 empty beer bottles and a stack of cash! she was confused but figured she'd wait to ask till later. so once he gets home she confesses to him and tells him that she looked but she asked him "why exactly are there 3 beer bottles and money we couldve used over these part years in your box?" he replied "well...each beer bottle represents a time i cheated on you." she was a little shocked but then saked "whats the money for then?" he replied "well everytime i filled the box with bottle i cashed em in and put the money in the box"I heard that one as a 2 ears of orn and 50.000 dollars :joy:
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-08-2006
$300 and two golf balls....
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - north_shore_racer - 01-08-2006
ya many variations to the joke...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-08-2006
The chili contest was great. There is a great joke that has too much profanity to post here. Search the web for Snowplow Joke and you find a joke about a guy who moves to Maine from Florida. At first he loves the beautiful snow, but that changes. It's another very funny read. That and the Hotel Soap Joke; search for that one too!
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - Czech-it-Out Graphics - 01-08-2006
Lol
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-08-2006
DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 Wrote:The chili contest was great. There is a great joke that has too much profanity to post here. Search the web for Snowplow Joke and you find a joke about a guy who moves to Maine from Florida. At first he loves the beautiful snow, but that changes. It's another very funny read. That and the Hotel Soap Joke; search for that one too!The soap one, is that where he gets like 3 soaps a day and what not?
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - DAVEC-NITRO-RS4 - 01-08-2006
yep...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-08-2006
he following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory that I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries? One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
__________________
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - Traxxas_Junkee - 01-08-2006
i would have came up the the guys room and shoved the soap so far down his throat...
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - north_shore_racer - 01-08-2006
haha wow...just wated like 20 minutes of my time reading that...alot better than doing hw.
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - t to the maxx2 - 01-16-2006
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family.
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
Greatest jokes ever, you will die laughing, thats how great they are - kevinF - 01-16-2006
ohh burn to him. haha thats good. :bustingup